Why Families Push Back Against Healing
(Client Details have been changed for confidentiality)
There are times when I have a client come in feeling distraught and confused because her family is invalidating all of the work she has been doing to recover from intense trauma. This was the case with Mel (name has been changed for privacy), who had been doing excellent work for three months. I have never had a more motivated and driven client who was so ready for change that she often came in asking me what her next task was!
When Mel first came to me, she was living deeply inside of her unresolved trauma. When she was a child, she and her mother were hit by a drunk driver, and both were nearly killed. It was a trauma she shared with her mother, and they developed a strong trauma bond that lasted into adulthood. Mel, now 36, lived with her mother and older brother. Her brother allowed the pair to live with him until they could both get help with their debilitating PTSD and be able to support themselves. Unfortunately, Mel’s mother was resisting help while Mel was motivated to heal.
Over the next three months, Mel put in the hard work and began seeing positive results from her therapy. While she was beginning to feel better, and the behavioral symptoms that came from PTSD were resolving, her family began invalidating everything she did. She went from smiling and telling me how amazing she felt to crying a lot during sessions and questioning her sanity. She told me that her brother constantly talked badly about her behind her back to her mother, and her mother stopped interacting with her because of what her brother said. Mel felt like an outsider and like her family was turning against her.
So why did Mel’s family turn against her just as she was gaining ground on her road to recovery? The answer is not simple and is a combination of different factors. First, families are always seeking balance, or homeostasis, even if that balance is dysfunctional. When one member of the family unit begins to change for the better, setting boundaries and improving behaviorally, the rest of the family pushes that person down to restore the balance they were accustomed to. It is especially painful for someone like Mel, who only wants to recover and be the best person, daughter, and sister she can be.
Another reason is due to intergenerational trauma patterns. Comments like “we don’t talk about that” or “feelings are a weakness” are passed down from parents to children over multiple generations. As I was working towards my degree in counseling, I had one professor who constantly said, “We grow into the environment we were raised in.” Therefore, if an entire family system assumes that feelings are a sign of weakness or that certain things are not discussed, then when a family member brings them up, it can disrupt the family dynamic.
There is also the aspect of control within the family unit. As a person heals, they learn how to set boundaries, gain autonomy, and begin to think independently. To some family members, this can lead to feelings of being replaced or no longer needed. They might unconsciously undermine the individual's progress and discredit their loved one’s perception of reality. This form of gaslighting is completely unintentional, but it doesn’t negate the harm it causes.
Now that we know a little bit about why this phenomenon happens, what do we do from here? The first thing that I do with my clients in this situation is to validate their feelings and their progress. What they are doing is not wrong, and this is not an us-versus-them situation. Their progress in therapy is a GOOD THING! They are learning to process their feelings, which, in turn, helps them both behaviorally and physically (the mind-body connection is something I will get into in my next post).
I then try to help my clients reframe the situation. They often ask, “Why are they doing this to me?” This is where I educate them on family balance, regardless of the system's functionality. How does the behavior of their family members serve the family balance? By helping my clients understand why their family is treating them so poorly, I help them gain clarity and a sense of understanding they can work with. Clients like Mel can create psychological distance from the situation, thereby reducing the tendency to internalize blame.
It is too easy to fall into the trap of us-versus-them when faced with this kind of situation, when in truth it is far more complicated. The families of those trying to heal are not acting maliciously; they are just trying to make sense of a shifting dynamic and reality. However, that does not negate the pain their behavior causes. I hope this information helps anyone who is suffering from this phenomenon, because it is surmountable and there is hope of overcoming it!
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